I think maybe something stuck, from my short short time on the AT. Although I didn’t spend long on the trail, it taught me many lessons. One being, how much I do not know! Ha! How much there is to learn, not only from the trail it’s self, cause well there is no way to truly be ready to hike such a long trail. There is though ways to be best prepared to be successful in your endeavor. I realized for myself that any excursion can be challenging. Demons be vengeful, and psychosomatic connections suck. Being unaware of the memories your body and cells hold and how “they” choose to come out and connect or cross connect. With adrenalin causing more panic attacks the euphoric highs, my wiring still crossed making the physical amplify the mental. Frustrating it may be I learned a second lesson that I brought home.
Part of me depleted and weak from having to leave the trail a second time, I was partially more energized and feeling stronger then before. With a greater understanding of my current strength and capabilities I was able to get a clearer picture of what I needed to do. I did something I hadn’t really done in about 4 years (reasons other then a dislocated shoulder or broken knee cap). I rode my bike. A lame short ten mile road ride. But I did it with out a panic attack without overwhelming anxiety making stop to vomit or anything else. Just a great easy ride to see how it felt. (oh I was sore). And wait, the next day I went for another easy ten mile ride. What? two days in a row, adrenaline dump with nothing else but a lovely euphoric high! Hell yeah! Awareness leads to understanding (or not) leads to change?
I believe becoming aware of something can be great, it is what you do with that awareness that matters. I guess? I don’t fucking know. I can be as aware as possible of something but still have no idea what it means or what I am supposed to do with that awareness. Maybe it has to do with recognizing it and every time it comes up and overtime something will change in you or others or make sense and you will now what to do? who knows. But for me and that instance becoming aware of the different physical connections to anxiety and adrenalin began to make a difference. I began to be able to recognize the connection and when it was occurring and able to change my perspective (internal it may be) and create something to build upon. and now I seem to be riding again, with a bit of time I’ll be back riding the trails as well.
I was recently able to do the short trail up Picacho peak, go and do the trails at tent rocks and take a couple of other easy day trips. Feeling the physical and mental strength grow as the demons shrink I am planning to head out to see new areas to test these new found skills and fight some battles. May epic journeys await you all!
As the roid raged demons drive the final spike deep into my soul the darkness spreads with ease and I am done, for now, I must leave the trail. Sad day and sad realizations, I am not ready nor strong enough. I’d like to believe it is not the trail its self, not the hiking or the ever changing and drenching stormy weather. I like the ups and the downs of the hills and the beauty of the fog, knowing that you are at a “cliff” look out point that is high enough up but yet you cant see past the edge because the air is white and thick, so thick that you can maybe see five feet in front of you. And you can stare into the fog becoming lost, unaware that the wind has picked up and blowing ice rain sideways resuming its test of your rain gears capabilities, because you are still trying to figure out what is starring back. Brought back to the moment by the loss of body temp you begin to move unaware how long the fog took you. The pain in my knee hip and back will heal with rest and conditioning, the body will adjust with care and time. I feel the physical strength is there, hidden maybe, but there. I am not sure about the rest of me.
It’s all in your head! And so it is. It’s the internal, the psychological. the nightmares, the panic attacks, the shutting down, the not eating and continuing on. I used to go out into the woods and open my head and wash my brain in the rain, but I seem to have forgotten how. The darkness creeps in finding the weak points in the armor. Maybe it is the area, maybe it is the amount of people and the social ness. I don’t like people or do well when there are to many people around. Yes the amazing part of the Appalachian trail is the social aspect, the meeting of people form all walks of life and all different stages in life it is quite amazing. I get nervous around people, and with the increase in anxiety comes the decrease in appetite and the less I eat and more anxiety I have the easier it is for the nightmares to creep in and the darkness to take hold.
I did a lot of prep work for this aspect of me specifically, working with my amazing art therapist and addressing many topics and solutions creating a vast array of tools and skills to take with me. I felt I was prepared for this, I can say now that I don’t think I am and don’t think I did enough testing of these tools and skills before attempting. I now know what I need to work on and what to test. What I need to focus on and practice as much as possible this summer and winter. They say third time is a charm? So I will re-work and keep training and increase my training and keep working on myself and learning so that I can try again next year. Maybe a bit more avoiding of the bubble of hikers if possible next year. I have a lot to learn and a lot to do but I am not giving up, I keep trying things that scare me and keep trying to learn and grow.
I have already begun to plan a few thru hikes on sections of local trails and the local CDT sections so I can better prepare my self for next year.
Thank you all for your love and support. NOBO 2017 NOLO
Well, it began! I returned to springer mountain Georgia. I began my hike of the Appalachian trail once again. This time with a bit different approach. Instead of the family road trip out my father graciously drove me back out and hiked to the top of springer with me. I then returned to the car grabbed my gear and headed off.
After a bit of confusion and internal debates I settled on a spot to camp. Staying next to a beautiful water fall. I like to be near a water source when I camp. It helps calm the nerves. (Haha only a little).
The bad part of being closer to water, it’s colder. This humidity is shit enough. Not a fan. I am a desert boy for sure. Screw ticks!! Ha! I had a great first night, a bit cold since I woke to bright flashing lightning followed almost immediately by clashing thunder. Good times. The rain fell hard and pounded my tent. But this time I was dry! A bit cold, but fucking dry! At least I and my stuff in my tent were. Hahaha!
All was good and glorious. It took me a bit to get moving and work through a few panic attacks. Stupid being cold. Screw all you that think having my version of weight issues is a blessing! If I can’t eat due to anxiety, I loose weight, my sugar drops, I get cold and I get a headache and potentially a migraine. I mess up once and it takes a week to get it back think looking/ being emmasiated is easier then trying to loose weight all the time? I doubt it. I couldn’t say from the other side. But having energy to move and do things sounds nice. Having insulation sounds amazing. This trip would be easier if I wasn’t already behind. Hahaha!
I made out to hike cause either you move or you get stuck and die. Ha! So I made my way to the next point and and figured I could make to the next but messed up and couldn’t make it to The next water spot/ camp site. Despite the overwhelming panic attacks I surged on. I was picked up. Got a hot meal a shower and a place to sleep. (Thank you pops). The next day I slack packed a section until my knee was screaming. And my right knee at that. I broke my left patella just over a year ago and with kt tape I am doing great. But my right knee was an issue from 3rd grade until 21 when I was racing bikes and training constantly. Then it stopped being a thing. Apparently I did not strengthen it enough and now am paying for it. I was able to get a brace and took a zero day at gooch gap. And learning to deal with panic attacks on a rest day. Ooh fun!
Tomorrow it is back on and on my way to neels gap.
The last two days of hiking I blessed. When anxiety and irrational emotions were at a high of the day I ran into trail angels with Gatorade and sweet treats. That coupled with pizza almost every night has been a saving grace.
I was dropped off today and my support staff (pops) has left for home. It’s all on me now I guess. The headaches seem to subside the less I cry. Haha! I am hopping that the panic attach lessen and this is just their way of getting out. My body and mind have been through a lot. I realized that something’s are coming up. Racist the last time my body was stressed to the brink was the incident that broke me. Haha! But now that I know the connection And what memories my cells hold I begin to work through and change them. Hopefully! Haha!
Thank you to all that have helped and all that haven’t, your thoughts and love are with me keeping me upright. Thank you
I could still use the therm-a-rest fitted sleeping pad cover( non-rectangle version) if any wants. (About $40, maybe cheaper on Amazon). Haha. Thank you.
Next stop Neels gap and Mountain crossings hiking and hostel. Mountaincrossings.com. Then on to Helen Georgia.
Thank you all
I take my first steps towards the AT approach trail and the panic attacks I had been fighting or dismissing came full force. The weight of my pack seemed to double, the weight of what I was about to do hit hard in a new way. I stopped and removed excess dead weight before even hitting the trail. I felt a bit better, and was a bit more ready. I said my goodby’s and set off for springer mountain, a short 7.3 mile hike. I was felt like I was prepared for the difficulty of the trail hiking, I knew it was gonna be tough and was told it was on the hardest parts of the beginning part of the trail and many people skip it. I decided to do it anyways, might as well see what i can do on the approach, it was tough but no tougher a trail then I am used to, what I wasn’t used to was the humidity and a weird sense of hot/ cold, hot/cold. Although I believe that was an added effect of constant panic attacks.
The hiking it’s self wasn’t so tough, it was the uncontrollable panic attacks that occurred every half mile or so (or at least felt like that often). I took my needed breaks, eating and drinking lots, even making up some gatorade. The views I could obtain were amazing in the breaks of fog I could see rolling green hills for miles. I was able to make my way into camp at the summit of springer mountain shelter area. I was able to get my tent hung and everything set up and make some food and hang my food bag on the bear line just before dark. I was exhausted and exhilarated, I had begun my journey. I was on the Appalachian trail! I had arrived and i had begun to walk. Being as tired as I was I quickly ate and made up a protein shake to sip on. I got everything together and sat back and relaxed for a minuet as I smoked watching the world become darker and darker. As I realized no stars were gonna come out due to the amazing cloud blanket I climbed into my incredible Apache Naki tree tent and quickly pass out.
Smack! I am awake, suddenly and viciously wretched from slumber by icy cold drops pelting me in the face. Water falling through by rain fly dripping directly onto my face, I move to assess the situation and find my butt is on the ground. I am sitting in a puddle of water. My tent must have slid down the trees, or the tension loosed greatly with the rain? or I just set it up like crap and wrong? But why Am I soaked? I thought my tent had a rainfly for a reason and being off the ground (if I was still) was supposed to help? hmm… I as quickly as I can realize whats going on and put all my gear into my actually waterproof backpack, and try to figure out a new sleeping situation. It is pouring rain outside and in and either way no matter what I do I am soaked and cold. I dont know what took over but I somehow got positioned out of the puddle and direct drips and did a freezing sleep for the rest of the night.
When I was able to pull my self from my icicle slumber and get out I had luckily saved some of my clothes from being water logged. I get dressed and find my shoes under my tent and completely dry, haha. As I slowly rouse I could feel my muscles and joints reeling with every movement. It felt like when to find that pair of shorts in your drawer at the beginning of summer and pull them out excited to wear them again, but when you pull on the elastic you hear that stretching, cracking sound and then they stay stretched out. yup thats how every muscle and ligament felt. I slowly slowly pack my things, attempting to ring everything out before packing it away. (the benefits to a light pack weight that they never talk about is that everything will eventually be wet and wet things weigh more then dry so having that 10-15 lb pack is blessing when its only 30 lbs soaking wet. ha) Once packed up I make my way down the mountain a 0.9 mile trail to a parking lot. It took me about an hour and a half to make it, I was moving slow, each step had to be taken with care and purpose. Once at the parking lot I called for a ride.
I was not quitting nor giving up, just throwing in the what the fuck towel I need to dry and warm. I like to believe that I am capable of understanding Murphy’s law. But I also feel I know myself well enough to know when my body is telling me it is going to break. So I got a ride to a hotel where I could get warm and shower and dry my things and eat hot food and drink lots of water and hot drinks. (Thank you Mum and Pop)
My thoughts were to rest, dry and continue the next day. That night being wrought with nightmares I awoke to the continued pain and aches and a lovely beginnings of a migraine. I felt like I did when I had walking pneumonia. The wave (tsunami) of depression hit as reality and panic of reality set in. This was not my time. This was not my moment. but goonies never say die! I was not, I will not throw in that ending towel. That is not a wrap that is not all she wrote and I don’t care if a fat lady is singing or not (she’s just giving me a soundtrack). If you look at things in life as tests, this was simply that a test and a lesson.
One main lesson being not to do what I did. Haha! I am so grateful for my parents and their help and ability to deal with me. My faults were in the few weeks leading up to my departure I was so busy and discombobulated with things that I was unable to exercise and eat the way I needed to. I am about 5’9” and on a good day up to 135 lbs. I am a stress non-eater. So in times of heavy stress I don’t eat and end up dropping weight and burning sugar reserves and getting migraines. well that happened before leaving and then while getting to Georgia. Instead of just driving strait there and eye on the prize type focus we road tripped. It was amazing! I got to help my parents take their new trailer for its maiden voyage and learn how it all works and get some kinks worked out. I got to go see my grandparents (whom I have not seen for a while). and my cousin and aunt and uncle. It was awesome, I was able to wake up a few mornings to miniature horses greeting me a good morning. I had an amazing time and am super lucky to be able to have done all that I did.
For me any type of traveling is pretty amazing right now. Shit getting out of the house can be a feat. It took three days for me to be able to leave the house after getting back home. (yay PTSD!!) It doesn’t help the whole debilitating depression kicks in seemingly as soon as the panic attacks subside, eff! Shit I made it Georgia! I made it through going and being around family and my grandparents. Shit, It may seem lame to some or even sad or pathetic, but thats what my life has been for the past few years (no not by choice ass hole). But I am determined to not let it break me, not let it take over, I wont let this rule me. I am proud of myself for making it out there. I made to the start, I started! This is just a set back. A learning trip. And I will return. I have already set the date I leave home again. Two weeks till take off for the trail. (3/27/17)
One reason to start early is that if you fuck up early on like I did you can regroup and tray again. I now know that I need to lighten the base weight of my pack. I need a lighter and thicker sleeping pad. I need a lighter and better rated sleeping bag or ultralight quilt (liking the quit idea and cheeper) and that I need to get a lighter and smaller size pack (still want it waterproof). So Now I have two weeks to make a lot of money to upgrade my gear so I can head back.
Don’t give up on me yet. Thank you for all your help and support. I wouldn’t have made it out there nor back without your love and support.
And it does. Yesterday I hiked the approach trail and falls at Amicalola falls state park in Georgia. Today I begin the daunting approach trail, approximately 8 miles with an average of 6 hrs hike time to springer mountain and the official start of the “trail”. Today is the approach trail. we shall see how I do.
As my anxiety has been an interesting spinning rollercoaster while getting here. Travel in general which is difficult for me and now I am going to live in the woods for six months. A life of constant travel, yet constant woods and beauty. A world I have never been to to explore. A first of many firsts to come.
I sit in the lodge lobby getting a few things tied up and attempting to calm the swelling anxiety and brewing panic attack. My bag is to big, and to heavy. But only for now. I know things will change and break in and I will find what I need and what I don’t. I will send home some and request new things. This is an adventure with which a learning curve must be allowed or I will do more harm to my self.
But here I go. With a hundred in my pocket and a few dollars in the bank I set off for Maine.
Thank you to every one whom has gotten me here. Thank you for all your Love and support, I wouldn’t have made it without you. I hope to make it with you. Thank you all for everything and all that you are. Much love and see you soon.